My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
