How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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