My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
