We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
