You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
