Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She's the barista slut.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
