You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
