Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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