you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
