the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
