True but thats because hes a fetus.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
