just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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