Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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