Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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