what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
