my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
