Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
