If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Drake has all the answers
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
