I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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