Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
