just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You can't special order awesome
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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