If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
