So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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