Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
