U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
