You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize