I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
