The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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