After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
