tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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