Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize