I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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