just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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