I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need to stop coming to work sober
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
