This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
