so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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