This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
