I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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