see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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