I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
