i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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