Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
