The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
