Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
