the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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