I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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