yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
