Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
