So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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