There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
