You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
