i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
