Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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