So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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