he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
