if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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