I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
