Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
