I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
