sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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