I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
