My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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