Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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