The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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