ya dads aren't the best wingmen
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
