I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
