Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
