either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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