The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
