I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
