I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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