I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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