My sheets look like a crime scene.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize