I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
