Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
