you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
